Sunday, January 8, 2012

Crush My Heart

The emotional roller coaster of my heart began, as always, at the beginning of the year. It began amid school, moving, and trying to realize I was running from my fears. That's my default response to situations: I run away from them. I refuse to face a lot of my problems it seems. Now, in my defense, I am working on it and working to face more and more of those problems in my life. It gets easier with time, but it still hurts.

The biggest roller coasters were facing the realization that I have anxiety and panic attacks and listening to the heartbreaking words of my father as he told me that he would consider disowning me. These two moments, happening near simultaneously were horrendous. I had major panic attacks the fall semester of 2010. Those same panic attacks followed me into the new semester and would get so bad that I just couldn't go to school those days. I knew better. But I was just too scared. Naturally, I failed some of my classes because of this. I failed them and that was that.

When stung so badly this past summer was when my dad strong armed me into telling him what was wrong. After telling him of my fears and even a confession of not belonging at BYU, he yelled and raged at me before finally deciding to tell me that he would be considering cutting me off financially and implied emotionally. My heart broke that day and never recovered until even now. No child should be told so casually that. No child. The emotional wound never healed. I still love my parents but have been psychologically preparing for them to cut me off. So I move ahead with distancing myself and letting them go in preparation for that day. It has been a mostly unconscious move that I have merely observed but never halted.

I apologize. This post is meant to be short. I cannot focus on anything else tonight because those two events were so heart-wrenching. Good night!

No comments:

Post a Comment